After complaining we never do anything together anymore, duck agreed to chick’s idea to, yes it’s true, train for the marathon…sign making competition. This grueling 26.2 mile course won’t make signs itself, so we have decided to enter the ING New York City Marathon…motivational sign making competition. We don't have much time. The race is this weekend.
Here are the TOP ELEVEN signs you don’t want to see on your last mile of the marathon…most countdowns go to ten, but ours goes to eleven...
11) ADVANCE TO PARK AVE. COLLECT 200 DOLLARS.
10) BORED SPECTATOR CROSSING NEXT 26.2 MILES
9) FUCK YOU!
8) RUNNING WON'T BRING YOUR DEAD GRANDMA BACK
7) YOU'RE STILL FAT
6) 21 YEAR OLD MALE SEEKING IN SHAPE ATHLETIC WOMAN
5) DID YOU CATCH LAST WEEK'S 'FIVE AND A HALF MEN'?
4) WRONG WAY
3) THE KENYAN WHO CAN'T AFFORD SHOES FINISHED 5 HOURS AGO
2) IF YOU RUN PAST A 7-11, WE'RE OUT OF MILK
1) I WENT TO THE NYC MARATHON AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRAPPY SIGN
Honorable Mention:
*CIRCLE ME BERT
*YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS ON A TREADMILL. YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE
*RUN LIKE THE TOWERS ARE COLLAPSING...WHAT ARE WE NOT LAUGHING ABOUT THAT YET?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
8 months. 27 days. 26.2 miles and one broken-hearted chick.
In so many ways in so many days have we changed here at duck-and-chick enterprises. For damn near a year D&C have gone on hiatus, but why you ask? Let’s backtrack a little, shall we…
After an argument over spilled milk, Duck left the country and continent for the continent/country of Australia (as Duck attained a green card, Chick held onto his v-card… sick burn). Whilst in the land of oz, duck ventured out of his aviary to find a swan hailing from his native country and continent. Needless to say, Chick was crushed when he read the news via messenger pigeon. For eight months and twenty-seven days, Chick furiously flapped his little chick wings and squawked his little chick squawk about the demise of D&C as we know it…that is, until today.
Still on eggshells, Chick agreed to a reunion summit on the current state of affairs of D&C Enterprises in Columbus, O-HI-O. Both sides wanted this carried out properly and democratically. Thus former statesman and Great Compromiser Henry Clay was flown in from the dead to MC the event. Drinks were had. Tears were shed. And feathers were ruffled. What resulted would shatter the world in posts to come…but not before some conditions were set in stone (not literally, that would be so “B.C.” of us)…
These three terms came to be known as “The Three Terms.” And here they are…
1. no swans allowed
2. to combat loneliness, chick hired the stylings of one dr. toad, m.d. of Madison, wis-con-sin for group therapy once a week
3. never talk about fight club
After an argument over spilled milk, Duck left the country and continent for the continent/country of Australia (as Duck attained a green card, Chick held onto his v-card… sick burn). Whilst in the land of oz, duck ventured out of his aviary to find a swan hailing from his native country and continent. Needless to say, Chick was crushed when he read the news via messenger pigeon. For eight months and twenty-seven days, Chick furiously flapped his little chick wings and squawked his little chick squawk about the demise of D&C as we know it…that is, until today.
Still on eggshells, Chick agreed to a reunion summit on the current state of affairs of D&C Enterprises in Columbus, O-HI-O. Both sides wanted this carried out properly and democratically. Thus former statesman and Great Compromiser Henry Clay was flown in from the dead to MC the event. Drinks were had. Tears were shed. And feathers were ruffled. What resulted would shatter the world in posts to come…but not before some conditions were set in stone (not literally, that would be so “B.C.” of us)…
These three terms came to be known as “The Three Terms.” And here they are…
1. no swans allowed
2. to combat loneliness, chick hired the stylings of one dr. toad, m.d. of Madison, wis-con-sin for group therapy once a week
3. never talk about fight club
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
AND THE OSCAR BLUTH GOES TO...
At D&C, the only Oscar we usually care about has the last name Bluth. This Oscar is a fifty something year old head full of hair hippie with a marijuana addiction to boot. But today we’ll focus on that other Oscar, the Oscar that wields more excitement than any other eight-inch golden entity, standing all tall and naked about to be snatched by the Hollywood gorgeous.
Here are the nominees of the Eightieth Annual Academy Awards hosted by Jon Stewart on February Twenty-fourth, Two Thousand and Eight…
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
George Clooney – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Daniel Day-Lewis – THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Johnny Depp – SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BEARER OF FLEET STREET
Tommy Lee Jones – IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH
Viggo Mortensen – EASTERN PROMISES
Duck’s pick: I’m an oil man. I choose Daniel Day-Lewis.
Chick's pick: Day-Lewis. The only way he won't win is if people finally protest the practice of using hyphenated last names, which they should. Though kudos to him for pulling off something that I thought only middle-aged career oriented women who refuse to give up their last names were capable of.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Casey Affleck – THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD
Javier Bardem – NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Philip Seymour Hoffman – CHARLIE WILSON”S WAR
Hal Holbrook – INTO THE WILD
Tom Wilkinson – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Duck’s pick: Tom Wilkinson. He’s just as deranged in this role as he was in Batman Begins.
Chick's pick: Bardem will win unless Holbrook plays the "I'm old!" card, which he should.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Cate Blanchett – ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
Julie Christie – AWAY FROM HER
Marion Cotillard – LA VIE EN ROSE
Laura Linney – THE SAVAGES
Ellen Page – JUNO
Duck’s pick: I’ve only seen Juno and that’s enough for me to vote Cate Blanchett.
Chick's pick: Page. Damn kids always win these things. I vote age requirement, make her play one year of college basketball.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett again – I’M NOT THERE
Ruby Dee – AMERICAN GANGSTER
Saoirse Ronan – ATONEMENT
Amy Ryan – GONE BABY GONE
Tilda Swinton – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Duck’s pick: One Oscar going to a cross dresser is enough for me (id est Hilary Swank – BOYS DON’T CRY/1999). So that rules out Cate Blanchett. Ruby Dee had all of five minutes of screen time in AG. Haven’t seen GONE BABY GONE. That leaves Swinton and Ronan. Swinton showcased her sweaty armpits, I’ll go with her in Michael Clayton.
Chick's pick: Uhhh, Tilda Swinton? Yeah. American Gangster should be proud they got a nomination, legitimately awful and overrated film. Congratulations on officially being the Louisville football of film. Yeah sure you have a ton of talent and were ranked highly at the beginning of award season, but the production just wasn't there and now you're struggling to get a supporting actress nomination or a bid to play a MAC team in a bowl game.
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
PERSEPOLIS
RATATOUILLE
SURF’S UP
Duck’s pick: SURF’S UP because it had The Dude.
Chick's pick: Surf's Up is just a quality film.
ART DIRECTION
AMERICAN GANGSTER
ATONEMENT
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. Just go see the movie.
Chick's pick: How do people even judge this. The art's not moving, I don't get it, are there art meteorologists for this? If I had to pick I'd say it's moving northeast. I'm officially protesting this award and the next three to follow.
CINEMATOGRAHPY
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES…
ATONEMENT
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: THERE WILL BE BLOOD. The first scene sealed the deal.
COSTUME DESIGN
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
ATONEMENT
ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
LA VIE EN ROSE
SWEENEY TODD…
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. Watching this movie was the first time I paid any heed to the actual possibility of having an actual opinion for this category. That's saying something.
DIRECTING
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
JUNO
MICHAEL CLAYTON
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. I only shy away from THERE WILL BE BLOOD because Day-Lewis needs no direction. So I went with the Coen brothers. Plus I have a wicked mancrush on Josh Brolin.
Chick's pick: Juno - not so much. When will Hollywood stop allowing the clever and witty comments that come out of 16-year-olds mouths. Someone is aware that kids don't speak in a condescending monotone at all times. Right?
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
NO END IN SIGHT
OPERATION HOMECOMING: WRITING THE WARTIME EXPERIENCE
SICKO
TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE
WAR/DANCE
Duck’s pick: Haven’t seen any of them. Sorry.
Chick's pick: If you haven't stopped reading this post by now you care way too much about the cinema and are probably videotaping yourself as you read this post, in black and white most likely, with some sort of emotion evoking music playing in the background in an attempt to make your own documentary. Dumb.
MUSIC (SCORE)
ATONEMENT
THE KITE RUNNER
MICHAEL CLAYTON
RATATOUILLE
3:10 TO YUMA
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. I like the sound of typewriters.
Chick's pick: Atonement. I too am a neat guy. And I too like the sound of typewriters.
BEST PICTURE
ATONEMENT
JUNO
MICHAEL CLAYTON
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. It’s my dark horse.
Chick's pick: There Will Be Blood.
Note: Pan's Labyrinth - not for me.
Here are the nominees of the Eightieth Annual Academy Awards hosted by Jon Stewart on February Twenty-fourth, Two Thousand and Eight…
ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
George Clooney – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Daniel Day-Lewis – THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Johnny Depp – SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BEARER OF FLEET STREET
Tommy Lee Jones – IN THE VALLEY OF ELAH
Viggo Mortensen – EASTERN PROMISES
Duck’s pick: I’m an oil man. I choose Daniel Day-Lewis.
Chick's pick: Day-Lewis. The only way he won't win is if people finally protest the practice of using hyphenated last names, which they should. Though kudos to him for pulling off something that I thought only middle-aged career oriented women who refuse to give up their last names were capable of.
ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Casey Affleck – THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES BY THE COWARD ROBERT FORD
Javier Bardem – NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
Philip Seymour Hoffman – CHARLIE WILSON”S WAR
Hal Holbrook – INTO THE WILD
Tom Wilkinson – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Duck’s pick: Tom Wilkinson. He’s just as deranged in this role as he was in Batman Begins.
Chick's pick: Bardem will win unless Holbrook plays the "I'm old!" card, which he should.
ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Cate Blanchett – ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
Julie Christie – AWAY FROM HER
Marion Cotillard – LA VIE EN ROSE
Laura Linney – THE SAVAGES
Ellen Page – JUNO
Duck’s pick: I’ve only seen Juno and that’s enough for me to vote Cate Blanchett.
Chick's pick: Page. Damn kids always win these things. I vote age requirement, make her play one year of college basketball.
ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Cate Blanchett again – I’M NOT THERE
Ruby Dee – AMERICAN GANGSTER
Saoirse Ronan – ATONEMENT
Amy Ryan – GONE BABY GONE
Tilda Swinton – MICHAEL CLAYTON
Duck’s pick: One Oscar going to a cross dresser is enough for me (id est Hilary Swank – BOYS DON’T CRY/1999). So that rules out Cate Blanchett. Ruby Dee had all of five minutes of screen time in AG. Haven’t seen GONE BABY GONE. That leaves Swinton and Ronan. Swinton showcased her sweaty armpits, I’ll go with her in Michael Clayton.
Chick's pick: Uhhh, Tilda Swinton? Yeah. American Gangster should be proud they got a nomination, legitimately awful and overrated film. Congratulations on officially being the Louisville football of film. Yeah sure you have a ton of talent and were ranked highly at the beginning of award season, but the production just wasn't there and now you're struggling to get a supporting actress nomination or a bid to play a MAC team in a bowl game.
ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
PERSEPOLIS
RATATOUILLE
SURF’S UP
Duck’s pick: SURF’S UP because it had The Dude.
Chick's pick: Surf's Up is just a quality film.
ART DIRECTION
AMERICAN GANGSTER
ATONEMENT
THE GOLDEN COMPASS
SWEENEY TODD THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. Just go see the movie.
Chick's pick: How do people even judge this. The art's not moving, I don't get it, are there art meteorologists for this? If I had to pick I'd say it's moving northeast. I'm officially protesting this award and the next three to follow.
CINEMATOGRAHPY
THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES…
ATONEMENT
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: THERE WILL BE BLOOD. The first scene sealed the deal.
COSTUME DESIGN
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
ATONEMENT
ELIZABETH: THE GOLDEN AGE
LA VIE EN ROSE
SWEENEY TODD…
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. Watching this movie was the first time I paid any heed to the actual possibility of having an actual opinion for this category. That's saying something.
DIRECTING
THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERFLY
JUNO
MICHAEL CLAYTON
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. I only shy away from THERE WILL BE BLOOD because Day-Lewis needs no direction. So I went with the Coen brothers. Plus I have a wicked mancrush on Josh Brolin.
Chick's pick: Juno - not so much. When will Hollywood stop allowing the clever and witty comments that come out of 16-year-olds mouths. Someone is aware that kids don't speak in a condescending monotone at all times. Right?
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
NO END IN SIGHT
OPERATION HOMECOMING: WRITING THE WARTIME EXPERIENCE
SICKO
TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE
WAR/DANCE
Duck’s pick: Haven’t seen any of them. Sorry.
Chick's pick: If you haven't stopped reading this post by now you care way too much about the cinema and are probably videotaping yourself as you read this post, in black and white most likely, with some sort of emotion evoking music playing in the background in an attempt to make your own documentary. Dumb.
MUSIC (SCORE)
ATONEMENT
THE KITE RUNNER
MICHAEL CLAYTON
RATATOUILLE
3:10 TO YUMA
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. I like the sound of typewriters.
Chick's pick: Atonement. I too am a neat guy. And I too like the sound of typewriters.
BEST PICTURE
ATONEMENT
JUNO
MICHAEL CLAYTON
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Duck’s pick: ATONEMENT. It’s my dark horse.
Chick's pick: There Will Be Blood.
Note: Pan's Labyrinth - not for me.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Q&A WITH DUCK
He owns every Garnier hair product on the market and has an abnormal affinity for Express jeans. I think it sums him up, but if not, here's a little more...
Q: You get one night to do illicit things with a Golden Girl. Which one?
A: Anyone but Bea Arthur, she has more penis than I do. If pressed, I would go for my Minnesota girl, Betty White.
Q: Rate your sister on a scale of "yeah, she's ok" to "i've got a chubby."
A: How's your sister? Oh I forgot, your sister is dead.
Q: Hypothetical: Your girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend. BUT. Your best friend happens to have a thick, bristling moustache. Who are you mad at?
A: I'm mad at myself. I can't grow a moustache.
Q: Is it safe to say that you drive "daddy's bimmer?" If yes, why? It is clear that you are not a 16-year-old girl.
A: Yes, I drive my Dad's old bimmer. Black Betty is running one hundred ninety thousand miles strong.
Q: Which do you prefer? The number seven or horses.
A: Horses. No, the number seven. No no, horses. Wait, when was 1990?
Q: You get one night to do illicit things with a Golden Girl. Which one?
A: Anyone but Bea Arthur, she has more penis than I do. If pressed, I would go for my Minnesota girl, Betty White.
Q: Rate your sister on a scale of "yeah, she's ok" to "i've got a chubby."
A: How's your sister? Oh I forgot, your sister is dead.
Q: Hypothetical: Your girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend. BUT. Your best friend happens to have a thick, bristling moustache. Who are you mad at?
A: I'm mad at myself. I can't grow a moustache.
Q: Is it safe to say that you drive "daddy's bimmer?" If yes, why? It is clear that you are not a 16-year-old girl.
A: Yes, I drive my Dad's old bimmer. Black Betty is running one hundred ninety thousand miles strong.
Q: Which do you prefer? The number seven or horses.
A: Horses. No, the number seven. No no, horses. Wait, when was 1990?
Monday, January 28, 2008
Q&A WITH CHICK
Using the term loosely, I give you the man that spends more time gelling his nipple hairs than doing anything productive with his life. Without further adieu, here's CHICK in an eggshell...
Q: What DVD would I find if the eject button was pushed on your laptop this instant?
A: Love and Basketball... I'm a big supporter of Omar Epps' work
Q: What was your last consumed alcoholic beverage?
A: Keystone Light
Q: What kind of vehicle do you drive? And is this vehicle usually driven by men? And how exactly do you have to enter this vehicle? And Why?
A: Ford Explorer. It is not my fault that so many women drive a man's car. The passenger side door, because I'm retarded.
Q: Excluding any sexual anectdotes, not that it really matters, what is the most memorable night of your life?
A: This is a prime example of poor friendship.
Q: What are your initials?
A: JAP
Q: What DVD would I find if the eject button was pushed on your laptop this instant?
A: Love and Basketball... I'm a big supporter of Omar Epps' work
Q: What was your last consumed alcoholic beverage?
A: Keystone Light
Q: What kind of vehicle do you drive? And is this vehicle usually driven by men? And how exactly do you have to enter this vehicle? And Why?
A: Ford Explorer. It is not my fault that so many women drive a man's car. The passenger side door, because I'm retarded.
Q: Excluding any sexual anectdotes, not that it really matters, what is the most memorable night of your life?
A: This is a prime example of poor friendship.
Q: What are your initials?
A: JAP
PROLOGUE
It is said the average six year old laughs upwards of three hundred times in a single day. The average adult only laughs up to fifteen times. We here at Duck&Chick are working to ebb this concerning gap with what we like to call infotainment. We aim for nothing more and certainly nothing less. We are not fact. We are not fiction. We are DUCK. We are CHICK.
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